Removing the stigma of senior sex

by Alicia Williams

Many consider sex to be one of life’s greatest pleasures. Yet the topic of sex among aging individuals is often considered taboo.

“People generally get pretty squeamish when they think about older folks having sex,” said Mimi Beattie, a geriatric nurse practitioner at the University of Utah. “But the reality is older folks have sex too.”

Shaun & Annette

Shaun Michel and his wife, Annette, spend time together in the backyard of their home in Sandy, Utah

Whenever Beattie hears someone say, “EEEUUUW. That’s gross,” she takes the opportunity to have a teaching moment. She said her middle-aged perspective of aging sexuality is different than younger people, because they haven’t gained the experiences needed to grasp the idea of a long lasting relationship.
So, Beattie asks them, “When would you like to stop having sex?”

Questioning stereotypes of aging and sexuality challenges our perspective, forcing us to conceptualize the absolute fact: We’re all going to be old one day. Suddenly, when we visualize ourselves as aged, the idea of being asexual, without sexual desire or sexually unattractive becomes completely illogical.

“You know what, as you get older, you don’t think older. I’m 56 and I still think I need to ask my mom for permission to buy things,” said Shaun Michel.

Shaun and his wife, Annette, 60, are uncommonly communicative about the intimate aspect of their 36-year marriage. Shaun said intimacy in a relationship is romance. It doesn’t matter how old you are, if your relationship stinks outside of the bedroom, it won’t be any better in the bedroom.

“You can’t go to the stove of life and say, ‘Give me some heat, and then I will put some wood in.’ You’ve got to put the wood in first, and then you’ll get heat,” Shaun said.

Society’s identification with the aging body as ugly, wrinkled, gross and definitely not sexy further perpetuates the stifling stigma encompassing the topic of aging sexuality. The taboo subject has healthcare professionals, even gerontologists, strategically steering clear of sexual discussions with their elderly patients.

Amanda Smith Barusch, a professor and associate dean of research in the College of Social Work at the University of Utah, wrote an article for “Social Work Today” titled, “Love and Ageism – A Social Work Perspective.” She recalls participating in a conference, about four years ago, and posing a question to an audience of 200 medical professionals.

“How many of you ask your clients about romantic love as part of your assessment?” Astonishingly, she said only two hands rose, and one of them was her assistant’s.

Several factors propel the ageism permeating society’s personal and cultural expectations, Barusch said. She defines the term ageism as a negative attitude towards older people and the process of aging. She finds it’s most often used while considering people of a certain age to be “too old” to accomplish something.

“I think mature sexuality challenges our stereotypes about age, and about sex. The notion that a lovely grandmother can enjoy intense passion goes against ageist notions of what old age is supposed to be like,” Barusch said.

A growing interest in romantic issues among older adults led Barusch to conduct a five-year qualitative research project and ultimately inspired her to publish a book in 2008, “Love Stories of Later Life.” She invites her readers to explore late-life romantic possibilities. And she believes romantic love, given its depth, pervasiveness and power, deserves to be targeted by medical professionals treating older adults.

“Professionals need to get past their own stereotypes and embarrassment, and talk seriously with older adults about their romantic experiences,” Barusch said. “This will help reassure them that they aren’t weird, and give them someone to talk to about the complications of late-life love.”

The Michels’ ability to easily converse about taboo subjects represents a sliver of light breaking through the dark wall of secrecy. Annette said even though the world worships youth, everyone has to eventually face the reality of their body changing as they age. For her, great physical experiences start with romance.

“It’s really important that your spouse lets you feel like you are a sexual being, and that you’re still wanted and desirable to that person,” Annette said.

Shaun said, “As we mature and our testosterone levels decrease, for a man, our vision improves on the things that are most important. She probably doesn’t feel as beautiful about herself as I feel about her. But it’s the whole package I love.”

“Yes,” Annette said, “and then you look at all these people that are known for their beauty and their youth. You know what? They’re gonna get old too. You don’t stay like that for very long.”

“And they aren’t necessarily happy,” Shaun said.

“Well,” Annette said, “if you judge your worth by the way that you look physically, you’re going to be really unhappy once you get older.”

Mike Thompson’s mission: To be a ‘change agent’

by YEVGENIYA KOPELEVA

Imagine a beach covered with thousands of miles of starfish and an individual throwing them one by one back into the ocean. This is how Mike Thompson, executive director of Equality Utah, envisions his position. For him, it’s not about saving every starfish, it’s about making a difference to just that one. His personal mission is to be the “change agent.”

“I can’t change the world, but I can influence my part,” Thompson said about his career in Salt Lake City.

Thompson was born in Broken Arrow, Okla., in 1964, and received a bachelor of business administration in management and communication from the University of Oklahoma in 1986. After working for oil companies in Chicago and St. Louis for eight years, Thompson left the corporate world and joined a ministry training program for two years. Upon completing the program, he traveled to London to work with inner-city children and youth. It is there that he learned to work with his heart, not his head.

While using his spirit and compassion working as a nonprofit consultant in Denver, Thompson met a member of Equality Utah’s board of directors who encouraged him to interview for a campaign position in the summer of 2004. Thompson helped Scott McCoy, a state senator of District 2, raise $800,000 to say “no” to the “Don’t Amend” campaign. The constitutional Amendment 3 denied same-sex marriage. “It’s the passion of working on issues that resonates within me,” Thompson said about his responsibilities with the campaign. Although Amendment 3 passed in November 2004, Thompson’s leadership led him to be invited to interview for the position of Equality Utah’s executive director in August 2005.

Equality Utah was founded as Unity Utah in 2001 as a political organization. It became the political advocate for the LGBT community with the goal of creating “a fair and just Utah” and finding common ground with other members in the community. Equality Utah is part of three nonprofit organizations that share the same mission of “securing equal rights and protections for LGBT Utahns and their families.”

The Equality Utah Foundation educates and informs the community about issues impacting the LGBT community, while the Equality Utah Political Action Committee “endorses candidates and supports their campaigns with volunteer efforts and financial contributions.” Equality Utah strives to provide volunteer support to candidates who are “willing to be open-minded and create dialogue.”

When Thompson lobbies at the capitol, people first notice the “equality button” he is wearing on his suit, and then they simply walk away. He identifies this sort of bias as a major obstacle for Equality Utah. “It’s people assuming or stereotyping all the time that becomes frustrating in that you always have to prove credibility first,” Thompson said. “I need to be the whole of who I am and be treated equally regardless of who I am.” Thompson encourages the public to eliminate biases and “talk about the root of the issue.” He hopes that by reaching one person, dialogue about stereotypes and biases will lead to change.

Thompson believes that “people of faith have the biggest opportunity to support LGBT issues and Utah is where the social change needs to take place.” With that, he hopes to have point people in the 29 Utah counties to establish relationships and have Equality Utah be more of a presence in the state. Thompson says Equality Utah is successful because of its approach of building relationships. “We don’t have an activist approach; it’s about meeting people where they are,” Thompson said about the organization’s efforts to initiate conversations.

Through Thompson’s vision of effecting change, the Annual Allies Dinner, a fundraising event that benefits the Equality Utah Political Action Committee, has grown from 250 attendees in 2002 to 1,127 people this year. In addition, Equality Utah hosts “Out for Equality” events to promote membership and inform the LGBT community of available resources and current issues. “Anything we do socially has to have a tie to our mission,” Thompson said. With almost 1,000 members and an e-mail database with 10,000 supporters, Equality Utah is gaining influence in the community.

Equality Utah’s current starfish is working with municipalities to implement employment non-discrimination policies, which include both sexual orientation and gender identity, for their city’s employees. The policies aim to protect the rights of all people and create domestic partner benefits. “It’s about equal pay for equal work,” said Thompson. Although Salt Lake City voters approved this ordinance in March, Thompson hopes to introduce the issue in the 2008 Utah Legislature for a statewide ruling.